


Wholly and Completely

by everything_else



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Canon Compliant, Domestic, Established Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mention of past suicidal thoughts, Post-Season/Series 03, brief boy squad, i guesS??????, isak is a bit ignorant, kollektiv, the kollektiv come THROUGH
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 03:49:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9955862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everything_else/pseuds/everything_else
Summary: Whenever Isak was anxious, or procrastinating, or bored, he would look up bipolar disorder. The sites were repetitive, listing precautions and symptoms and treatment. They didn't prepare Isak for the real thing.Disclaimer: I do not have bipolar disorder, which is why this story is written from the perspective of someone trying to help a loved one with the illness. This story is based on my experience of being in that position, but please don't read if you think it will make you uncomfortable.





	

For the first time in almost a week, Isak woke up alone. The pillow beside him was still rumpled where Even had slept on it, but his clothes were gone from the floor and the room was quiet and empty. A gap between the curtains revealed a strip of dark, dusky sky, meaning it was still very early morning. Isak sat up.

Even had seemed completely normal last night, not energetic or excitable like lsak sometimes thought he was. He had talked happily and kissed him and told him about auteurism, although it was about then that lsak had started to drift off. 

He heard the front door click shut. 

"Even?"

Even let in a rectangle of light from the hallway as he came into the room and then shut the door behind him. He looked at Isak and smiled.

"Where have you been?"

"I went for a walk."

Isak's frown didn't relax. He reached clumsily for his phone and squinted at the bright screen.

"It's four o'clock in the morning."

"I'm sorry for waking you" said Even, taking off his jacket. He climbed in next to Isak, who was still looking at him with a concerned expression.

"I was worried."

"I'm sorry. l couldn't sleep." said Even.

"You couldn't sleep?"

"No, I didn't feel tired." 

Isak didn't lie down. 

"Even, are you feeling normal at the moment?" he asked.

Even was quiet, then he said, "I would tell you if I didn't."

Isak lay down, a little further up the mattress than Even, and ran his fingers through the older boy's hair. 

"because, I know that that is one of the signs..." 

He kept stroking his hair, but Even was still. 

"...when you can't sleep."

Even looked up at him, then, and gave him a small smile. 

"You have been doing research?" 

Isak rolled his eyes. "Of course, what kind of boyfriend do you think I am?" 

"I think you're a very good boyfriend" said Even. He cupped his cheek and kissed him gently; Isak was so tired that he melted into it with a sigh. 

"Don't go on any more night walks."

Even kissed him again and tucked an arm around his small waist.

"I won’t." 

********************

Neither of them slept much until Isak's alarm went off at five past seven. 

lsak murmured in protest but Even kissed his face until he opened his eyes. He was smiling brightly.

"How are you so awake?" Isak asked, barely intelligible. 

"I told you, I'm not tired." said Even, and kissed him on the cheek. "Besides, you're so beautiful in the morning".

Isak turned over, swearing.

********************

In the kitchen, Even poured himself a bowl of cereal and pushed the milk over to lsak. 

"I was thinking, last night. We should go somewhere." 

"Hmmm?" Isak responded, pouring milk over his cornflakes. 

"Like, explore somewhere different, you know? The world is so big."

lsak teased, "the world is big?", but there was a familiar doubt stirring in his mind.

Even wasn't looking at him.

"We should just fuck school and go to like, Cuba." 

"Cuba." 

"Or, I don't know, you decide. Anywhere."

Isak took a mouthful of cornflakes. "I think I choose school" he said. 

"That's very unimaginative of you, baby."

********************

They talked about possible travel destinations all the way to school but Even was calm, holding lsaks hand and listening seriously to his story about Barcelona with Jonas and Eva. Isak knew that his interest was an important sign he wasn't manic, so when they reached the gates he kissed him on the cheek and told him to call him if he needed. Even raised his eyebrows and pulled him in for another kiss that made lsak's cheeks pink until he got to Biology. 

He didn't see Even for the rest of the morning.

At lunchtime, he got a text: I went home because I was scared l was slipping but my mum is here and I'm fine. Love you. 

Jonas nudged his elbow. "Everything okay?" 

"Yeah, I think so. Even's gone home."

"Why?" asked Mahdi. 

Isak swallowed. "I think he's going to have another episode." 

"And why do you think that?" asked Magnus, taking another bite of his sandwich. 

Isak stared at his own lunch, a can of coke and a slightly sad bread roll.

"Because...he hasn't been sleeping or eating much and...he just seems kind of off. Like he'll say something and I won't even know what he means." 

Magnus nodded, chewing. "That sounds like before an episode."

"Is he on his own?" asked Jonas, alarmed. 

"No, his mum's there. I think he'll stay at home tonight."

Jonas nodded. After a moment he said, "that sounds like a good plan".

********************

Isak lay awake, listening to Eskild and Noora in the kitchen, until the light went off and he was left in the kind of darkness where you can't tell whether your eyes are open or closed. Even might be manic now, he might be scared and angry and confused and shouting. Worry was like a grip that wouldn't let go and lsak felt sick at the thought of Even wandering the city, delusional and vulnerable and alone. He was so used to having him beside him now. 

At midnight, Isak heard a clattering from Eskild's room and took some comfort in knowing that he was not the only one still awake. He buried his face in Even's pillow and tried to sleep. 

At about one, there was a knock at the door. 

"Isak. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. God, it's so late, I just, I have to tell you something. It's the alcohol, lsak, it fucks with my brain and now I can't think properly. It drives me so fucking mad." Even gripped his hair and Isak reached for his hands, trying to get them to unclench.

"Even, Even? It's okay. It's not alcohol, you're just a bit manic at the moment, okay?"

"No, no you're wrong, Isak. There's nothing wrong with me, it's the drugs. They tell me I'm bipolar, but it's the drugs that fuck with me. Alcohol and caffeine and weed and lithium and prozac and they just fuck everything up and now they're trying to give me more! I won't do it, Isak."

Even wasn’t quite looking at him.

"It's okay, you don't have to do anything. You don't have to do anything."

"Promise me you'll never do drugs, Isak.” He looked tense and pleading. “Weed and alcohol are okay, for you, but doctors will just try to give you more. Don't do it, okay. Even if you're depressed and you can't sleep and you want to kill yourself, you've just got to feel it. Trust me, I know. Because I wanted to kill myself but it was just because I was sad. And that's alright. You have to feel it, okay". 

Isak nodded, not trusting himself to speak. 

“Even?”  
He heard Eskild come up behind him.

"Eskild, I'm so sorry it's late, l just really had to see lsak" said Even. 

"No, uh, that's okay. Are you feeling alright?" Eskild asked.

"Yes, I'm fine. I've never been better. I think l might be a bit manic but it's okay because lsak is here and he loves me. Can you believe that? Why the fuck would he love me? It doesn't make any sense." 

Even laughed and Isak felt empty. Eskild just looked at him. 

"I think you should go home, Even." 

"No, no I can't go home, my mum is very angry. She's always angry and I've tried to tell her that it's bad for her but she won't listen. I think it's because of my father. She just has this anger, Eskild, and she tries to hide it but l know and I can't go back there."

"....okay" said Eskild. "l guess you should come in then, but Linn won't be happy". 

"Linn is such an incredible person, Eskild. l don't think you realise how strong she is."

"No?" Eskild laughed, leading them into the kitchen. "I think you'll know a bit better if you don't keep your voice down."

Even took lsak's hand in his and lsak held on tightly. He thought that Even looked like a different person, eyes wide and alert when usually they made him feel safe. 

“You mustn’t worry about me Isak, I hate it when you worry about me. You do it so much.”

Even brushed the side of Isak’s face with his fingertips, but Isak couldn’t help drawing back slightly.

“Do you know how I knew we would be together?” Even asked.

He was smiling but his eyes seemed distant as he told Isak, “because of your mother”. 

Isak felt like he was in a bad dream. In a minute, he would wake up and Even would be normal; Isak wouldn’t feel so helpless and scared of what he might do or say next.

“Because you know what real illness is”. Even was looking at him intently. “You’ve seen it. And, I think… maybe I met your mother. She told me to find you, and to save you. But she didn’t know!”

He laughed and it sounded wrong.  
“She didn’t know that I am the worst thing that could have happened to you! That it was you who saved me!”

“Even” Isak said quietly. “You haven’t met my mum”.

“Yes, yes Isak, I have, because how else could I have known that I would love you? That’s the only way, don’t you see?”

Even looked at Isak like he was willing him to understand. He looked serious but his smile was too wide and Isak felt that the Even he knew was a million miles away.

They walked into the kitchen and Isak sat down, hoping Even would too. He didn’t.

“Even, is there anything we can do? Someone we should call? Because you're worrying me.” said Eskild.

Even didn’t seem to hear him.

“Your mother was wrong, Isak. She was wrong, and then she got sick and it was my fault! And so, you thought she didn’t love you when she did, she was just sick, but it was my mistake, okay? And she only believes in God because it makes it easier.”

“Alright, Even” Eskild interrupted. “Just sit down a minute, yeah? Because I think you’re freaking Isak out, not surprisingly.”

“He has to see me like this!” Even said loudly. “He needs to know the truth!”

“What the fuck is going on?”

Linn stood in the doorway in a loose top and grey pyjama bottoms.

“Even’s having an episode” said Eskild, “but it’s fine because he has his lovely boyfriend and his guru here and now he has Linn! His favourite person!”

“Linn. I’m sorry if I woke you up. My head is such a mess and I’ve been thinking about what you said to me the other day and I think I’m scaring Isak and I really don’t want to do that so can I come and talk to you in your room?”

Linn looked from Eskild to Isak, who was trying very hard to look fine. Then she nodded.

“Yeah, okay”, she smiled and followed Even into her room.

The door shut and Isak dropped his head into his hands. He struggled to get his breathing under control. How had he let himself be so unprepared for this?

Eskild put a hand on his heaving shoulders.

“He’ll be okay Isak, this is normal.”

“Yes, I know” Isak shrugged him off.

“We…we need to call the hospital” he said.

“Well, I don’t think…shouldn’t you call him mum?” asked Eskild.

“No, I don’t have her number, just, give me your phone.” 

Isak dialled the number he knew so well.

“Hello, what is your emergency?”

“Hello, yes, my boyfriend is having a manic episode.” 

“Okay, can you tell me your name?” The woman sounded kind but very far away.

She asked Isak questions about Even’s eating, sleeping and medication and he answered with everything he knew.

“Has he slept in the last 72 hours?” 

“I don’t know.” Isak admitted. 

“Do you feel he is currently a threat to himself or others?”

“…No.”

“Has he expressed any concerning thoughts or questions?”

“Not really…he’s just very paranoid.”

“Okay, Isak. It sounds like your friend is experiencing a pretty standard episode. You say he has had them before and that his parents knew he was leading up to one. I would say that taking him anywhere tonight is not a good idea, it will agitate him and you will struggle to get treatment. I suggest you keep an eye on him tonight, he probably won’t sleep much, and then see a doctor he knows as soon as possible tomorrow. They will be able to prescribe a sedative of some kind. Okay?”

Isak thanked her and hung up.

“She said take him to a doctor he knows tomorrow.”

“And keep him here tonight?”

“Yeah, keep him here tonight.”

“Okay!” said Eskild, in English. “It’s a sleepover!”

Isak gave him an unimpressed look. 

“Although, I don’t think Linn will be getting much sleep” Eskild added. “I wonder what they’re talking about.” 

Isak hoped Eskild knew how thankful he was for him being here right now.

“Linn is probably wondering that as well.” 

Eskild put his arm around him. “Was that a little joke, Isak? Did you make a joke?” Isak rolled his eyes but didn’t push him away. 

“That’s good, You have to have humour at these times.” 

Isak no longer felt like he was in a nightmare where everything was up to him. This wasn't about him, it was about Even, and neither of them were alone. 

Suddenly, Linn’s door opened.

“I’m going to stop bothering you all” said Even, heading for the door.

Isak was out of his seat in a flash.

“No no no, Even, you stay here.”

“No, I can’t. I need to be outside and you all need to sleep but I can’t sleep because it’ll slow me down so I’m going to leave.”

“Even, please, stay here.” pleaded Isak.

Even looked right through him and Isak had never felt more desperate. 

“I’ll go with him” said Eskild, behind him.

“What? No!”

“I’ll make sure he doesn’t do anything crazy. You stay here.”

Even said “I’m okay, Isak, I’ll be fine. You need to sleep. You need to be away from me.”

“No, I don’t!”

Eskild was pulling a jumper over his head.

“We won’t be long. Just get some fresh air. I’ll call you with updates.”

“No, I’m coming as well.”

Eskild said, “Isak, I think it’s best if you don’t”.

“Stay here" said Even firmly; he put a hand on the back of Isak's neck and kissed him carefully. It took Isak by surprise and he wanted more than anything for Even to stay.

Then he was gone. The door shut and Isak hit the wall as hard as he could.

Linn still stood in her doorway. She walked across the hall to knock on Noora’s door and then opened it. 

“Noora, Isak needs you to come and be nice to him.”

Isak quickly wiped away his tears.

********************

The rumble of the kettle had become a usual sound since Noora came home, and she had a collection of herbal teas on her and Eskild’s shared shelf in the cupboard. She reached to get some down and dropped them into the two mugs on the counter; steam from the kettle collected on the ceiling where it dispersed in wisps under the light. Noora filled the mugs with boiling water, set one in front of Isak and cupped the other in her hands. Her fingernails were painted a light blue and she tapped them against the ceramic as she blew on her tea.

“What is it?” asked Isak, looking down at his cup.

“It’s liquorice and cinnamon.”

Isak made a face and took a sip. It was actually quite nice.

“It’s nice.”

Noora smiled. Isak wondered how much she had heard. 

“Thank you, Noora.”

“Your welcome” she said.

Isak took another sip of his tea and the steam warmed his face. It was weird and sweet and it left an aftertaste of cinnamon in his mouth. 

“Sorry you got woken up” he said.

“Don’t be silly.”

They sat in silence for a while, drinking their tea. The clock showed that the time was almost two and it’s ticking was the only thing that filled the silence. Noora seemed almost nervous, Isak was surprised to realise, as her green eyes wandered thoughtfully around the room.

Outside the window was only black.

“Is Even having an episode?” she asked, finally.

“Yeah.”

“Where is he now?”

“He’s out with Eskild.”

Noora nodded. “Do you think they’ll be okay?”

“Yeah, I mean. He’s self-aware so I don’t think he’ll try and do anything stupid. Eskild’s with him so…he said he would call me”

“Yeah” said Noora.

After a moment, she said “he’s lucky to have you worrying about him, Isak”.

Isak let out a huff of laughter.

“Yeah.”

He ran a hand through his hair.

“I just…he says all this stuff and I feel like some of it is important, but I can’t talk to him about it because he’s just in his head.”

Isak knew how much Even hated not being able to control his thoughts.

He couldn’t help thinking how different this was to times with his mum. They were both intense and unpredictable, but his mum had always been like that, insistent and fearful and wrong. He knew Even, knew his fears. He knew what he liked to talk about and what he didn’t like to talk about. He knew that he was clever and funny and imaginative. He had never known his mum before her illness.

Noora looked at him with her green eyes. She looked pale and tired and her blonde hair was half falling out of a messy ponytail.

“It will get easier” she said. 

They sat in silence for twenty minutes before the doorbell rang.

Even seemed calmer than before and he was talking about an idea for a film he had had. Eskild was not really following him, but he nodded along anyway as he kicked his shoes off in the hall.

“Was it okay?” asked Isak. “You said you would call me.”

“Sorry, I didn’t get the chance. Even wanted to talk to literally everyone.”

“Hello, Even” said Noora.

“Noora. You are very beautiful. I just spoke to an amazing homeless woman, I think you would have liked her.”

Noora smiled at him. “Would you like some tea?”

“Yes please. I keep forgetting to drink anything.”

“You haven’t eaten, either” Isak reminded him. Even seemed to notice Isak and study him. He looked saddened by what he saw and pulled his boyfriend into a hug. He was cool from the outside air and Isak could feel him breathing against him. "You are too good for me Isak. I love you so much it scares me." Isak snorted into his shoulder and pulled back slightly. "You're manic." "That doesn't mean it's not true. But anyway, I don’t want to eat. I need to tell you about this film I’m going to write.”

They sat in the kitchen until the morning: Even talking passionately, Isak holding his hand in his lap and Noora trying her best to keep up with the current topic of conversation. Eskild went to bed after a few hours when Isak’s eyes began to feel heavy, but Noora sat patiently with her chin in her hands and managed to offer some interesting ideas about homelessness and Even’s documentary. He spoke a lot of nonsense, like his theory that Kubrick was still alive and married to Christina Aguilera, but that was pretty funny, and Isak was good at distracting him whenever he wanted to reorganise the flat or started talking about God and drugs.

Isak couldn’t read Even like this, but he knew that he was in as good a place as he could be. At six, Eskild came in to tell them that the GP was open and Even didn’t argue.

Isak knew that there would be worse times than this and better times than this. They would have to get used to it, because this was a part of Even and Isak loved him, wholly and completely.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, sorry it’s not very happy.  
> If people liked this I may do a follow up about Even's depression.
> 
> This was fairly personal to write so please be kind.  
> Constructive criticism is appreciated.  
> 


End file.
